i have a horrible procrastination habit. unfortunately, i've realized, it's the way i deal with things: passive-aggressively. most likely the reason i constantly fail at life. and the way we live now, with constant access to Internet: the Great Enabler....yikes.

what am i really searching for, click by click? a lifechanging gif? a random blog post that has all the answers? does constantly surfing the web add anything to a person's character and identity? why do i need to know about the unborn child of a person on facebook to whom i haven't spoken to in nearly 10 years?

it seems to me that our society seems to value the slogan "be who you want" with no reservation. i'm beginning to think that is a false dream universally. perhaps more appropriate is "be happy with what you have." i would love to be a go-getter, a type A personality who knows exactly what they want and what it takes to get it and then goes and does it. but the combination of my background, my family dysfunction, my personal neuroses, and every disappointment i've ever had doesn't equate to that kind of person. i want to be a certain type of human being. but i'm just not.

the imminent residency-application-and-audition season has me brooding about this all over again. i want to be in certain locations. so, what is it they want? what grades, scores, CVs, personalities do they want? wait, no. i can't possibly be any of those things. i will never be good enough to be where i want to be. back to reddit for mindless internet surfing. entertain me, you faceless names of the world wide web.

on another topic, i fcking love pediatrics. i generally hate hospital medicine and being on wards, but something about these kids makes me want to go the extra mile. to be their advocate. to make them smile. it helped that there are amazing teachers here, ones that actually teach medicine. i have loved learning about step 3 level care, stepping back and looking at the whole picture. i have loved interacting with the patients and staff. absolutely hands down the best rotation i've had so far.

there is one little boy here with a traumatic brain injury and neurological deficits, transferred from the PICU. when i first saw him, he was basically a vegetable, his head bloated due to brain swelling and the fact that the neurosurgeons had to remove the bones in his skull. his family comes every day to stimulate his brain with toys and games and movies. yesterday, on my last day of wards, i visited him for the last time. he spoke to me. with words. the only ever time i've ever nearly cried with a patient was when i helped deliver a baby.

was i being just too emotional? is it to my disadvantage to have such overwhelming feelings? perhaps. but it's who i am. it's how i learn. maybe i don't need to apologize for anything.

2012 - is it over yet

this was supposed to be a big one -- 29. i spent it alone and sleeping.

well that's not fair. i'm at my parents' house so they were there technically.

saw some old friends, and i think that triggered a bit of melancholy. isn't it funny how that works sometimes?

i've been so focused on getting back HOME, that i haven't really stopped to think about where home is. i'm beginning to realize that my real friends are in socal. i don't like the PLACE....but THEY are my family.

socal isn't so bad. the traffic makes you want to shoot yourself and everyone around you, sure. but there's always something to do. new things to eat. people to see. bands to hear.

this is a huge deal for me. norcal is a part of who i am. so this is becoming somewhat of an identity crisis.

i saw this documentary that basically said that the 2012 mayan end date was not a literal armageddon, but signified the passage of humanity into a new era, a golden age. i really liked that idea when i heard it. but right now, i'm kinda wishing for hellfire and brimstone. HA.

zomg i totes have 2 blog moar

why hellow dere.

so much for "sewing blog." i am overwhelmed with refashions/tailoring projects i have in the pipeline. my rate limiting step is lack of a sewing machine! damn these slow hands. if only i had a serger...one can dream. i just brought my whole box of projects back home to store at my parents' house, cuz there's no way i'm gonna get anything done in between now and May 2013. a single tear rolls down my cheek. i feel sorry for this blog, too! no regular pictures of my sewing. devastating, i know.

otherwise, life has become pretty monotonous. hospital...Boy...hospital...Boy. i'm the heaviest and unhealthiest i've ever been. but i'm happier than i've ever been. it's strange, i can't seem to enjoy the imminent dawn of my 30s like everyone else around me. we're young, the world is our delicious oyster with lemon and crazy red sauce! but lately i've this insatiable craving for stability. i'd love to know where i'm going to end up living, where i'll end up working, who i'll spend the rest of my life with. and i'd like to know NOW, hahaha.

but really, it's the truth. being with the Boy has made me realize that. he gives me a sense of peace, solidity, and it's reverberated through all the other aspects of my life. suddenly i can think about stuff and not get panic attacks in 3 seconds. some people have a great sense of Self and can get rocket through life like a shooting star. i am not one of those people. i am more like a little lizard - timid and cold. the Boy grounds me, comforts me. i feel very fortunate to have met him. especially during this particularly crazy time of sub-i's and interviews and working with some batsh*t personalities.

my time in socal is drawing to a close. while i can't say i've grown to love the place, i must admit i hate it less. and i've had the best time being closer to friends i love dearly, D and E. they're definitely the best part of LA.

and Goomz, if you are reading this: i love you and hope you have the most fantastic day. Gambatte!!

the culture

medicine isn't just a career. it's a lifestyle choice.

and i get that. i really do. my life would have no meaning if i weren't able to improve people's lives with my hands. i'm ready to commit to doing that for the rest of my days.

but what really ticks me off.

are the people who think it necessary to pound that into the skulls around them. that condescending, or even worse, blindly heroic tone they take when they talk about their work. sure, medicine is extremely important. by extension i suppose that makes you an extremely important person. but you don't have to treat it like a cult. with a country-club-esque exclusivity.

these days more and more people are taking control of their health. being a doc doesn't make you a god.

on the flip side, i also feel that it doesn't give you any right to proselytize on the type of person you feel SHOULD be in medicine. a particular nytimes article comes to mind, written by a female anesthesiologist who chastises women physicians for dropping out of full-time work to take care of family. she emphasizes the "life-style choice" perspective of medicine.

...really?

it makes you less committed to your profession if you choose to expand and commit to your family? such bullshit. don't look down on the moms because they chose part-time. don't look down on them because their priorities are different than yours. it doesn't make you a better doctor. it doesn't make you a saint. people are just different. that's it. end of story. to qualify the value of their work like that, in terms of time spent, is one-dimensional. we live in a wonderful period, a wonderful country, where many of us have that CHOICE. why not celebrate that?

another example of type A's thinking on a narrow track. hey grandma, it's 2011. live outside the box. rage against the machine. viva la revolucion.

chairman of the bored*

board studying is getting super frustrating. spending all this time reading and reading for the low scores. plus i am gaining a LOT of weight. i saw myself in pictures from my brother's wedding and wanted to die. i can't wait until this is all over!!! i'd rather be working in the hospitals on 30 hr call than spend one more agonizing, slouchy minute poring over a text. i can't wait to lose some weight, either.

/bitch-sesh

*i love norm macdonald. check out one of this interviews with conan from the 90s.

dreaming

in the midst of a (too long) study break, i thought i would try an exercise: visualize my dream life, so i have something to work towards.

what kind of person do i want to be?

-i want to be someone that is calm, balanced, and nurturing. i want to do good work and be recognized for it, but not at the expense of relationships with my loved ones.

-i want to be a natural leader. the one that friends can turn to.

-i want to be reliable. never wavering in my resolve.

-i want to be witty and gregarious.

what do i want from my life?

-i want lots of space for creativity. either via my own creation (crafts, clothing, spaces), via career (osteopathy private practice), or via experiences (road trips, sight seeing, eating!)

-i want tons of love!! of the mammalian variety. human or feline preferably.

-i want to provide financially for my parents and brother, as a way of expressing the love i could never seem to show them otherwise.

-i would love to reforge connections that i so petulantly and pugnaciously burned in my younger years.

-i would love to teach, especially to those who are shy, uncomfortable with who they are, are in the process of changing who they are, and who are open to morally good possibilities. i want to be able to take lives hesitating at the fork in the road and make them great.

-i want to live in a calming, tranquil space.

what do i want, materially?

-a spare, hard-working, stylish and flattering wardrobe.

-to be fit.

-beer.

-good dental hygiene.

dude, this is hard (TWSS)

....in my defense, there is still no internet where i live. i'm only able to access the wonderful world of blogging when i'm at school or at a starbucks. which is totally good, less time wasted. but...still.

so what's happened in the last month? we finished the reproduction system (my 2nd fav) and then a week-long cranial course (my 1st FAV!!!). we started gastrointestinal (my 3rd most hated). i performed with the 5c dance company in claremont a couple times, and am totally loving working out with them. nothing like trying to keep up with a bunch of ladies nearly a decade younger than you! am still trying to get a leg turn. it's when you pirouette but while extending one leg all the way up by your head. i'm beginning to learn the limits of an aging body.

something happened this past month too. my clothes cravings completely stopped. every time i look in my closet i only think of what i can take out, not what i need to put in it. For the first time ever, i think i have a closet that is in complete homeostasis with my current life's demands. it's super bizarre and awesome.

AND! there's so much i have to look foward to. resuming studying for boards (i'm serious), a trip to lake arrowhead with old college kids, and a trip to disneyland with some besties!

...i just had a 3-hour nonstop dance rehearsal this morning...i think that's why i feel so goddamn happy right now. endorphins ftw.