i have a horrible procrastination habit. unfortunately, i've realized, it's the way i deal with things: passive-aggressively. most likely the reason i constantly fail at life. and the way we live now, with constant access to Internet: the Great Enabler....yikes.

what am i really searching for, click by click? a lifechanging gif? a random blog post that has all the answers? does constantly surfing the web add anything to a person's character and identity? why do i need to know about the unborn child of a person on facebook to whom i haven't spoken to in nearly 10 years?

it seems to me that our society seems to value the slogan "be who you want" with no reservation. i'm beginning to think that is a false dream universally. perhaps more appropriate is "be happy with what you have." i would love to be a go-getter, a type A personality who knows exactly what they want and what it takes to get it and then goes and does it. but the combination of my background, my family dysfunction, my personal neuroses, and every disappointment i've ever had doesn't equate to that kind of person. i want to be a certain type of human being. but i'm just not.

the imminent residency-application-and-audition season has me brooding about this all over again. i want to be in certain locations. so, what is it they want? what grades, scores, CVs, personalities do they want? wait, no. i can't possibly be any of those things. i will never be good enough to be where i want to be. back to reddit for mindless internet surfing. entertain me, you faceless names of the world wide web.

on another topic, i fcking love pediatrics. i generally hate hospital medicine and being on wards, but something about these kids makes me want to go the extra mile. to be their advocate. to make them smile. it helped that there are amazing teachers here, ones that actually teach medicine. i have loved learning about step 3 level care, stepping back and looking at the whole picture. i have loved interacting with the patients and staff. absolutely hands down the best rotation i've had so far.

there is one little boy here with a traumatic brain injury and neurological deficits, transferred from the PICU. when i first saw him, he was basically a vegetable, his head bloated due to brain swelling and the fact that the neurosurgeons had to remove the bones in his skull. his family comes every day to stimulate his brain with toys and games and movies. yesterday, on my last day of wards, i visited him for the last time. he spoke to me. with words. the only ever time i've ever nearly cried with a patient was when i helped deliver a baby.

was i being just too emotional? is it to my disadvantage to have such overwhelming feelings? perhaps. but it's who i am. it's how i learn. maybe i don't need to apologize for anything.