used to know

i don't know if it's meds or maturity, but things feel peachy.  they're not, by any means.  but those moments of utter despair, of sinking, are fewer.  good, right...?
aging is only scary to me in that with every passing year, i grow more in debt.  other than that, i've been glad for it.  who doesn't want to be a less-angry person?  reaching goddamn enlightenment.  hoorah.
if i were to vanish tomorrow, i don't know that i'd have much regret.  ignorance is truly bliss, man.  how can i regret shit that i don't know is out there.  or, shit that i've repressed.  or forgot entirely.  it's not a bad way of living.  i've run into classmates that clearly do not understand this and think i am simply sofa king wee todded.    they're probably right.  but, whatever, you know.

it's all just one big whatever.  who knows.   no need to worry about it.




the thing, of course, being that i am hugely concerned.  afraid.  vulnerable.  and my mind's been infected, somehow, by the idea that i need someone else in my life.  because who i am is not enough?  in all likelihood yes.

how do you people fucking do it.  open up, let people in, and let them drift out without losing your sanity.  it's a fucking nightmare to think about going at this shit alone.  not emotionally, just, technically.

i can't.  no.  it's just not happening.  


there's a truth in there, somewhere, that i had a grasp on, once upon a time, in a land far away.  as in, it was true for a time and then i "grew up" and "learned" that it was false but actually there was a grain of absolute truth mixed in there somewhere, and i just threw the baby out with the bathwater.  that's what it feels like, anyway.  and fucking feelings, man.  the cherry on this total lack of sundae.


i need a drink.

closer

right now i am staying at a classmate's house, crashing on the couch.  there were times when i felt that i might be overstepping my welcome in her life by taking up her couch...seeing as how they only have one couch, it's in front of the tv, and one of the housemates likes to watch the tv.  but today changed my mind.  now i only feel gratitutde for this couch.

people go through the same thing in different ways.  or different things in the same way.  or different things, in a completely different way.  and it's okay.  because here's the key to life.  it's all okay.  all of it.  sure, there is a "typical."  but to say something is more prevalent, doesn't make it inherently right or wrong.  us weirdos are no better or worse.  just different.

i just realized that a classmate in sixth grade used to say that to me all the time.  well played.

what makes me sad is that these things exist.  either people, or programs, or parts of society that tell us we are worthless if we don't conform.  that we are failures if we don't meet their standards.  i realize i'm bordering on that hippie-dippy-love-everybody-crunchy-granola shit.  but that's the only way i can make sense of the world right now, and simultaneously find myself a place in it.  i think i'm okay with this.

i am so excited to be less than 48 hours away from never having to come to this goddamn campus ever again.  it gives me the heebie jeebies to be here.  like smelling a liquor that was part of a bad memory a long time ago.  instant gag reflex.  but, i guess i should relax about it.  if it wasn't for being here, being surrounded by these people, then isolating myself from these people, then going near the edge, so close to breaking...i wouldn't be who i am today.  and, while i'm not thrilled with the person i am today, i am content.  content and not completely jaded and filled with hate.   all things considered, that's pretty fucking good.

consumption

experiment:
no buying new clothes x 6 months.  EVEN if there is an amazing deal.  underthings are an exception.

it's a great day and age we live in, where we can finally learn of and experience the consequences of our excessive consumer lifestyles (via the interwebs): http://soundcloud.com/onpointradio/the-high-cost-of-cheap-fashion
it makes me incredibly guilt-ridden to think of how much i've been part of the problem.  i love thrifting anyway.  let's see how far i can take this.