I'm trying to think of what I could possibly say about this past semester, and really the year of 2008 in general, as time draws to a close.
My times in school I have enjoyed for the most part. Like everyone has said time and time again, the material is not difficult, it is the amount of material. But I suppose you really don't understand what it's like in the middle of the deluge, breaking your face against that proverbial firehose, until you are waist-deep in that sh*t.
I think the thing that affected me the most has been location. Western University, while a competitive, challenging, supportive school, is located in...well...crap. Pomona is not all that safe, and in addition to that, Western does not have a traditional campus, with the rolling greens and tall dorm rooms and brick and ivy. Coming from a more urban surrounding, I felt that that would be cakewalk. In all honesty, I felt that location really would not bother me. In fact, I was excited that it seemed so similar to where I lived and worked before. I am a pretty adaptable person, and for the most part I made do, spending lots of time in the small library, spending more time in Starbucks and at home.
Come finals time, I discovered that I had lost the ability to focus at all these locations (although...home, really. what was i thinking) and was desperate. My roommate Linda turned me on to the Honnold-Mudd Library at the Claremont colleges, which were literally down the street from our house. The change in locale made an astounding change in my self-esteem as a student. At this point, I was really struggling, and was becoming depressed. The library was absolutely beautiful, spacious, well lit, and had a really old, historied feel. It was like, you couldn't help but feel proud to be a student again while studying there. It was sort of a case of "too little too late," but it made my last few weeks almost enjoyable.
While you're in medical school, it becomes your whole life. Some people don't understand why I can't drive all the way to LA to hang out, drive all the way to Irvine and Torrance to dance; but it literally consumes you. Every waking minute becomes all about studying. Perhaps save for those few who are either really quick at memorizing, or actually taught the subject material before in a previous career and thus don't have to study as hard for that course. Those who are trying to handle marriages, families, and even jobs while simultaneously doing this -- I hold them in even higher regard than I did previously. This is the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. ...And rightly so. I would never want to be treated by a physician who had it easy during their medical training.
I am quite eager to go to back to school at this point. I've analyzed myself to the point of nausea, I feel like I've finally hit my stride (though too little too late) as a student. Come to think of it, I've had very little experience in academics at this level. I took mostly liberal arts classes at Cal, and in addition, was cripplingly depressed for most of that time. This whole semester has been a learning experience in more ways than one. But I've meditated, and for the first time I feel like I've broken this twisted destructive cycle I fall into, and in addition, I did it all by myself. So...I am a little glad for that.
Still, there's a lot to do, and I am praying to all the energies of the universe that this next year will be even more different, challenging, and joyful than the last, and that throughout all the journeying, the spark is never lost.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Sunday, November 2, 2008
They should make this a holiday
My favorite day of the year! Daylight savings.
I spent my extra hour catching up on House. Wow, that last episode where House and Cuddy....just, whoa, hello!
Merry daylight savings to one and all.
I spent my extra hour catching up on House. Wow, that last episode where House and Cuddy....just, whoa, hello!
Merry daylight savings to one and all.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
farewell, cadaver #1
Anatomy dissection was one of those things where you are so afraid of what it means, and when you are actually doing it, the blinders go on and you push it all away to do what needs to be done. And then in the end, you get a second to breathe again and you realize, you will never get an opportunity like that again in your life.
They gave us a body, so that we might learn, so that we might uncover the mysteries of the human form. This body yielded to us so much more.
We called him Bruce, as in Bruce Banner, because his musculature was so pronounced and hefty. His muscles shined pink and robust with formaldehyde like Christmas ham. He hardly smelled at all. When we arrive at his lower abdomen, he yielded us a great treasure of a massive direct hernia. We found a spleen bordering on splenomegaly, and gold teeth. I called him a pirate, a swashbuckler, an adventurer, climber of mountains, sailer of ships. He must have died in a short amount of time, because next to the emaciated, wasted bodies elsewhere in the dissecting room, his crevasses were overflowing with slippery fat, his body toned. When we got to his face, we marveled at how much he resembled Danny Devito. We were proud of our Bruce. He was good to us.
Though it may seem morbid to the outsider, it seemed only natural to derive our own narrative. Here were so many clues to where he came from and how he died. We would make up stories to try to fill in the crazy mad-libs of his body. How could we not wonder about what lay beyond, backwards into the time-space continuum? With so many secrets yielded, how could we not be curious about his story?
Some say there is a danger here, of objectifying the body, forgetting its human roots, disrespecting it by operating with a lack of gravitas, being too cavalier. In practice I found that the contrary was true: dissection only whet our appetites for the stories of our "patient," and for our future patients -- the narratives of human lives.
And in that I believe was Bruce's greatest gift to us. That despite the stress and deadlines and quizzes and tests, we never lose our sense of wonder.
Thank you, cadaver #1.
They gave us a body, so that we might learn, so that we might uncover the mysteries of the human form. This body yielded to us so much more.
We called him Bruce, as in Bruce Banner, because his musculature was so pronounced and hefty. His muscles shined pink and robust with formaldehyde like Christmas ham. He hardly smelled at all. When we arrive at his lower abdomen, he yielded us a great treasure of a massive direct hernia. We found a spleen bordering on splenomegaly, and gold teeth. I called him a pirate, a swashbuckler, an adventurer, climber of mountains, sailer of ships. He must have died in a short amount of time, because next to the emaciated, wasted bodies elsewhere in the dissecting room, his crevasses were overflowing with slippery fat, his body toned. When we got to his face, we marveled at how much he resembled Danny Devito. We were proud of our Bruce. He was good to us.
Though it may seem morbid to the outsider, it seemed only natural to derive our own narrative. Here were so many clues to where he came from and how he died. We would make up stories to try to fill in the crazy mad-libs of his body. How could we not wonder about what lay beyond, backwards into the time-space continuum? With so many secrets yielded, how could we not be curious about his story?
Some say there is a danger here, of objectifying the body, forgetting its human roots, disrespecting it by operating with a lack of gravitas, being too cavalier. In practice I found that the contrary was true: dissection only whet our appetites for the stories of our "patient," and for our future patients -- the narratives of human lives.
And in that I believe was Bruce's greatest gift to us. That despite the stress and deadlines and quizzes and tests, we never lose our sense of wonder.
Thank you, cadaver #1.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
gchat is ruining my life
things aren't so bad.
kpeng127: so.... how many genitals will we see in our life time?
kpeng127: so.... how many genitals will we see in our life time?
so embarassing.
me: oh wow
i never thought of it that way before
that's insane
kpeng127: yup.
yay doctors.
Adam: haha
Adam: haha
THATs a cool roomy
i was just watching a buffy episode (yeah yeah), about her roommate who is actually a demon
so i think youre doing ok
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
if the Hadron Collider creates a black hole and the universe as we know it ends today,
what would you do with your last few hours?
i would eat a butt-load of ice cream and dim sum and fatty foods.
i would call anyone special who was not in my life anymore and tell them i miss them and that i'm sorry.
i would would lay face-down in the grass to hug the earth and listen to the insects and worms and plants one last time.
hm.
i could do all these things...today.
....mm. donuts.
what would you do with your last few hours?
i would eat a butt-load of ice cream and dim sum and fatty foods.
i would call anyone special who was not in my life anymore and tell them i miss them and that i'm sorry.
i would would lay face-down in the grass to hug the earth and listen to the insects and worms and plants one last time.
hm.
i could do all these things...today.
....mm. donuts.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
famous last words
week 4.
our first major test as a class has come and gone. it feels like it has already been 6 months. it feels like my entire life is anatomy. i don't hate anatomy, but it's freakin dry and boring.
it seems like the extracurriculars are getting under way. we're constantly having our classroom occupied by informational sessions (well it comes with free lunch often so i'm not complaining). but there's hardly any room in the brain to think about them, much less plan on doing them.
i am pretty adamant in my decision to not devote my entire goddamn life to getting that 100% in anatomy. even though it's crucial to what i want to do later on as a physician, i feel as though i have such a tenuous hold on myself as a person that i refuse to alter some of my older habits in order to accommodate my studies, including making sure i read every article (title at the very least) of the front page of the news, finding stuff online that makes me laugh, and dancing. so no, i'm not studying as hard as my peers right now. but these are things that i really need to do.
i mean, i'm passing so far. it should be do-able. right?
(...the shadows under my eyes are twice as big as they were 4 weeks ago.)
our first major test as a class has come and gone. it feels like it has already been 6 months. it feels like my entire life is anatomy. i don't hate anatomy, but it's freakin dry and boring.
it seems like the extracurriculars are getting under way. we're constantly having our classroom occupied by informational sessions (well it comes with free lunch often so i'm not complaining). but there's hardly any room in the brain to think about them, much less plan on doing them.
i am pretty adamant in my decision to not devote my entire goddamn life to getting that 100% in anatomy. even though it's crucial to what i want to do later on as a physician, i feel as though i have such a tenuous hold on myself as a person that i refuse to alter some of my older habits in order to accommodate my studies, including making sure i read every article (title at the very least) of the front page of the news, finding stuff online that makes me laugh, and dancing. so no, i'm not studying as hard as my peers right now. but these are things that i really need to do.
i mean, i'm passing so far. it should be do-able. right?
(...the shadows under my eyes are twice as big as they were 4 weeks ago.)
Thursday, August 14, 2008
open heart surgery
this past week, one of my roommates and i agreed: it didn't really feel like medical school. the gravitas somehow got lost in the beginning.
it is coming upon the end of my first week of class and i think i am finally, maybe, 80% there. it is just hard to believe that someone like me could be inducted into such a sacred profession, and as i sat through Essentials of Clinical Medicine, i was overcome by memories of times i went above and beyond for a patient in clinic. of times i sold a patient short. of guilt and remorse for everything leading up to the person i am now, of pride and hope for the person i might become, of fear that i will end up failing out of school, or perhaps, failing later on. worry for those times i didn't cover my ass just out of plain laziness, and inspiration, that it may never happen again. fear of future lawsuits and M&Ms, hope for lives saved and jobs accomplished as best as humanly possible. powerpoint slide by slide flashed before the class, giving us a glimpse of the physician we would hopefully be trained to be, and it sunk in deeper and deeper -- my life from now on will never be the same.
to get to medical school, you need a concrete sense of who you are, your values and boundaries, your own lines drawn in the sand. they don't tell you that once you get there, you are still apt to change - nay, provided you aren't a completely insane hack, you WILL change.
you must.
it is coming upon the end of my first week of class and i think i am finally, maybe, 80% there. it is just hard to believe that someone like me could be inducted into such a sacred profession, and as i sat through Essentials of Clinical Medicine, i was overcome by memories of times i went above and beyond for a patient in clinic. of times i sold a patient short. of guilt and remorse for everything leading up to the person i am now, of pride and hope for the person i might become, of fear that i will end up failing out of school, or perhaps, failing later on. worry for those times i didn't cover my ass just out of plain laziness, and inspiration, that it may never happen again. fear of future lawsuits and M&Ms, hope for lives saved and jobs accomplished as best as humanly possible. powerpoint slide by slide flashed before the class, giving us a glimpse of the physician we would hopefully be trained to be, and it sunk in deeper and deeper -- my life from now on will never be the same.
to get to medical school, you need a concrete sense of who you are, your values and boundaries, your own lines drawn in the sand. they don't tell you that once you get there, you are still apt to change - nay, provided you aren't a completely insane hack, you WILL change.
you must.
Monday, August 11, 2008
a tad anticlimactic
even though i have an inhuman (haha) amount of anatomy to read up on,
there is no way i can't blog about my first day of med school!
hm.
......
yep. i fell asleep.
(i am sooooo stoked for tomorrow though. we get to start OP&P!!!)
there is no way i can't blog about my first day of med school!
hm.
......
yep. i fell asleep.
(i am sooooo stoked for tomorrow though. we get to start OP&P!!!)
Thursday, July 31, 2008
ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
saying goodbye is a lot more complicated than i'd anticipated.
the past week has been a whirlwind of arranging last dinners, last coffees, last dances, last drinking nights, and other engagements. mostly because i put it off to the very last minute. i think i was in denial of having to leave the comfort and safety of what i know and what i was just beginning to appreciate and enjoy.
but also, i have a terrible terrible memory problem. getting together with friends involves a whole lot of "oh yeeaaah" and "when did that happen?" and "what?! really?!?" and blank empty looks. and i realize that its not because i'm brain dead, but because i've an overdeveloped memory blocking mechanism. the less you remember, the less it can hurt you.
it makes you feel empty, because you don't absorb life. it slides off your feathers and back into the ether. but if i wasn't able to do this, i would probably have killed myself a long time ago.
the thing about now is that i actually want to remember these moments, these wonderful people i've had the privilege to get to know, these good-byes. for once, good things were happening to me and, for once, i loved life. i wanted these moments to live on in me, but its like a curse. its like that movie 50 First Dates with Drew Barrymore.
anyway, i had a point, but i also have a no-joke hangover, so...another time.
the past week has been a whirlwind of arranging last dinners, last coffees, last dances, last drinking nights, and other engagements. mostly because i put it off to the very last minute. i think i was in denial of having to leave the comfort and safety of what i know and what i was just beginning to appreciate and enjoy.
but also, i have a terrible terrible memory problem. getting together with friends involves a whole lot of "oh yeeaaah" and "when did that happen?" and "what?! really?!?" and blank empty looks. and i realize that its not because i'm brain dead, but because i've an overdeveloped memory blocking mechanism. the less you remember, the less it can hurt you.
it makes you feel empty, because you don't absorb life. it slides off your feathers and back into the ether. but if i wasn't able to do this, i would probably have killed myself a long time ago.
the thing about now is that i actually want to remember these moments, these wonderful people i've had the privilege to get to know, these good-byes. for once, good things were happening to me and, for once, i loved life. i wanted these moments to live on in me, but its like a curse. its like that movie 50 First Dates with Drew Barrymore.
anyway, i had a point, but i also have a no-joke hangover, so...another time.
Monday, July 14, 2008
looking for housing. preferably, a home.
there's this weird state of disconnect from everyone, everything. i hate the thought of living in a souless, mindless place, and unfortunately that is the impression that i get of the inland empire. but there's no thing nor body keeping me here in the bay. i wander around like a sheet with no feet.
the bay area. the land is me, and i am it, the summer fog that rolls through the gates, the evening sun that flows through the trees. what spills through my veins are cracked pavements and tibetian prayer bells, outraged flyers posted up on telephone poles. i am bleeding hearts and organic gerbera daisies. my life is the rattling bass and the piercing siren.
san gabriel valley is suffocatingly hot, and paved solid with shimmering malls, and outlet malls, and auto malls, and specialty malls, and asian malls. we drove along a highway (57?) where the road overlooked a dam into the basin of a reservoir, and it was lush and green and full of tall brush, a stark contrast to the dry brown hills surrounding. it was almost magical enough to make you forget that the presence of growing things meant there was no more water left inside.
when i told them about my accident, he said, "one day, you'll back on this and laugh." i was so shocked i could only laugh, but i knew what he said was true. one day i know i will look back on this time of my life and only remember the good things. i will have left behind the bruises and sadness, the dark nights, the people who turned their backs or stabbed my own and the people who didn't stick around. hopefully i will remember the innocent promises, the laughs that were shared, and the communities that created me.
i don't want it to be so, but here it is. it is time to forget, and time to move on, and time to rediscover what it means to be.
the bay area. the land is me, and i am it, the summer fog that rolls through the gates, the evening sun that flows through the trees. what spills through my veins are cracked pavements and tibetian prayer bells, outraged flyers posted up on telephone poles. i am bleeding hearts and organic gerbera daisies. my life is the rattling bass and the piercing siren.
san gabriel valley is suffocatingly hot, and paved solid with shimmering malls, and outlet malls, and auto malls, and specialty malls, and asian malls. we drove along a highway (57?) where the road overlooked a dam into the basin of a reservoir, and it was lush and green and full of tall brush, a stark contrast to the dry brown hills surrounding. it was almost magical enough to make you forget that the presence of growing things meant there was no more water left inside.
when i told them about my accident, he said, "one day, you'll back on this and laugh." i was so shocked i could only laugh, but i knew what he said was true. one day i know i will look back on this time of my life and only remember the good things. i will have left behind the bruises and sadness, the dark nights, the people who turned their backs or stabbed my own and the people who didn't stick around. hopefully i will remember the innocent promises, the laughs that were shared, and the communities that created me.
i don't want it to be so, but here it is. it is time to forget, and time to move on, and time to rediscover what it means to be.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
Monday, May 12, 2008
i bid thee well, interwebs, till the morrow
my desktop is now fried. some kind of system corruption blah blah.
life without a computer is strange and goes by slowly. my room is now clean and my affairs and papers are nearly in order. i read books.
UGGGHHHH I NEED A NEW COMPUTER!!! a sidekick, ANYTHING.
life without a computer is strange and goes by slowly. my room is now clean and my affairs and papers are nearly in order. i read books.
UGGGHHHH I NEED A NEW COMPUTER!!! a sidekick, ANYTHING.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
does a dyslexic insomniac stay up at night wondering if there is a dog?
As a substitute for actual parenting, my dad recently gave me a stack of religious self-help books.
That in itself is pretty offensive, but the bigger point is that I absolutely hate any and all forms of organized religion. I grew up in a Chinese baptist church, and then a non-denominational, predominately white church. My experience between the two was basically the same. Religion is manipulative and takes advantage of people who don't know any better (which just so happens to describe the exact type of person I can't stand). A lot of bible interpretation that I hear in church or read is very much like the type of bullshit we did as English majors. You can take any chunk of text and warp it to fit your need. Though that arguably could be a good thing, i'm not going to go into that here either.
So for months those books sat by the window collecting dust. The other day I was so bored (see post: 27 times...) I decided to check one out. As expected, my initial reaction was nausea and border-line irrational anger. I was so pissed off...I couldn't stop reading. So yes, if you haven't figured out what i'm going to say next -- I dig it. A lot of what Mr. Joel Osteen, television evangelist, has to say actually really works from a secular perspective. It is basic stuff: how to get rid of negativity in your life, how to forgive, a plan with steps on how to live "Your Best Life Now." Basic psychology, character building, social adjusting, what have you. Someone as low as me needs to hear the words, and man am I drinkin them up.
I feel like now i'm kind of looking down at a line in the sand...am I christian? I believe in God, and Jesus loosely, but not in any of the other things. I also believe in alternative ideas like a single universal power that individuals have direct access to (Reiki) and that spirituality is an intensely personal thing not meant to be socialized like in a church. I probably wont decide on these things for a long time, but right now, I'm clinging to this book written by a conservative (UGH), bible-wrangling word monger...because it gets me through the goddamn day. pathetic?! [throws hands up]
That in itself is pretty offensive, but the bigger point is that I absolutely hate any and all forms of organized religion. I grew up in a Chinese baptist church, and then a non-denominational, predominately white church. My experience between the two was basically the same. Religion is manipulative and takes advantage of people who don't know any better (which just so happens to describe the exact type of person I can't stand). A lot of bible interpretation that I hear in church or read is very much like the type of bullshit we did as English majors. You can take any chunk of text and warp it to fit your need. Though that arguably could be a good thing, i'm not going to go into that here either.
So for months those books sat by the window collecting dust. The other day I was so bored (see post: 27 times...) I decided to check one out. As expected, my initial reaction was nausea and border-line irrational anger. I was so pissed off...I couldn't stop reading. So yes, if you haven't figured out what i'm going to say next -- I dig it. A lot of what Mr. Joel Osteen, television evangelist, has to say actually really works from a secular perspective. It is basic stuff: how to get rid of negativity in your life, how to forgive, a plan with steps on how to live "Your Best Life Now." Basic psychology, character building, social adjusting, what have you. Someone as low as me needs to hear the words, and man am I drinkin them up.
I feel like now i'm kind of looking down at a line in the sand...am I christian? I believe in God, and Jesus loosely, but not in any of the other things. I also believe in alternative ideas like a single universal power that individuals have direct access to (Reiki) and that spirituality is an intensely personal thing not meant to be socialized like in a church. I probably wont decide on these things for a long time, but right now, I'm clinging to this book written by a conservative (UGH), bible-wrangling word monger...because it gets me through the goddamn day. pathetic?! [throws hands up]
Thursday, April 10, 2008
woke up on the wrong side of several beds
for some reason D puts her chats off the record, and i am kicking myself for not remembering to save her conversations in another manner.
today was a bad day.
i dont normally have bad days, actually. they're all mostly bland and vanilla. today was definitely burnt pubic hair.
things just kept piling up on top of each other. they were relatively little things. i could knock off almost a dozen things off the top of my head (for whatever mental lists of all the crazy little things going on are worth), but what was really the heart of the matter was how much of a beating my spirit took. bam bam bam. one right after the other. all at once. so you could say i was upset. hysterical.
D understands me in a way nobody else really does. she knows how hard i am on myself and she can sympathize with me in the just the right way. after unloading my silent fears, i started feeling better already. and then like neo eating the oracle's cookie in the matrix, suddenly i felt right as rain. (mm. oracle cookies)
i'm not crazy, nor am i just completely inept. i actually do have coping mechanisms for the mundane shit. today was about something deeper, an importunate issue that's never been removed and has slowly poisoned my view of the world, magnifying the negative, feeding the obsessions.
what it is, i fear to vocalize.
despite the fact that i completely lost it today, i know in my heart all these issues that came out today will resolve themselves, for better or for worse. and i will tell myself: they'll resolve themselves not out of luck, but because i am competent. i am not any less of an adult, worthy of their own inalienable rights, than the next person. they'll resolve because my life is meant for bigger things. maybe it all had to happen, because i needed to freak out a bit, to feel something, to give a shit. to just be human for a day.
today was a bad day.
i dont normally have bad days, actually. they're all mostly bland and vanilla. today was definitely burnt pubic hair.
things just kept piling up on top of each other. they were relatively little things. i could knock off almost a dozen things off the top of my head (for whatever mental lists of all the crazy little things going on are worth), but what was really the heart of the matter was how much of a beating my spirit took. bam bam bam. one right after the other. all at once. so you could say i was upset. hysterical.
D understands me in a way nobody else really does. she knows how hard i am on myself and she can sympathize with me in the just the right way. after unloading my silent fears, i started feeling better already. and then like neo eating the oracle's cookie in the matrix, suddenly i felt right as rain. (mm. oracle cookies)
i'm not crazy, nor am i just completely inept. i actually do have coping mechanisms for the mundane shit. today was about something deeper, an importunate issue that's never been removed and has slowly poisoned my view of the world, magnifying the negative, feeding the obsessions.
what it is, i fear to vocalize.
despite the fact that i completely lost it today, i know in my heart all these issues that came out today will resolve themselves, for better or for worse. and i will tell myself: they'll resolve themselves not out of luck, but because i am competent. i am not any less of an adult, worthy of their own inalienable rights, than the next person. they'll resolve because my life is meant for bigger things. maybe it all had to happen, because i needed to freak out a bit, to feel something, to give a shit. to just be human for a day.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
27 times i puked a little in my mouth
tonight i was so bored i stooped to watching the movie 27 Dresses on surfthechannel.
is the phrase gag me with a spoon "out" already? because that's exactly what i wanted to do to, force a utensil down my throat.
i was so bored i willingly saw a chick flick. shoot me now.
is the phrase gag me with a spoon "out" already? because that's exactly what i wanted to do to, force a utensil down my throat.
i was so bored i willingly saw a chick flick. shoot me now.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
fallen idol
BT, one of my favorite dj/producers, has made a renaissance on my music player lately, sparked by the recent play of "satellite" on 92.7 FM's "below zero" show (FANTASTIC radio, sunday nights).
but the more i listen to him, the more contrived and douchebaggy his sound feels. did i really think this was the most awesome sound ever, at one point?
it's sad to lose a hero.
[EDIT] i just relived "dynamic symmetry" and i take this post back.
but the more i listen to him, the more contrived and douchebaggy his sound feels. did i really think this was the most awesome sound ever, at one point?
it's sad to lose a hero.
[EDIT] i just relived "dynamic symmetry" and i take this post back.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
new beginnings are ___.
lordy-loo.
the past two weeks have been full of insane changes for me. the most pressing being my exit from a dance troupe that i had previously been steadfastly loyal to. it was a matter of organization; it was a matter of defeat; it was a matter of alienation. i felt broken to the point of losing my love for the entire medium of dance. which says a lot.
now i am a member of Mind Over Matter, lead by allan frias. allan challenged me, constantly berated me to become better. when he saw i had given up, he said it to my face and more or less bitched me out. he cared enough to call me out on my behavior. am i comfortable with M.O.M.'s style of dance? no. but after years of feeling like a shadow, i feel accepted, finally -- which for me was always the point of dancing in the first place. allan taught me a huge lesson, for which i will always be grateful.
dancing is ALWAYS on my mind! i had the wonderful opportunity to sub for two hip hop classes in Dublin last monday. i hadn't taught class like that since...2004 i think (that ywca fiasco...god). i was nervous. but it felt GREAT!! one of the girls after the intermediate class actually came up to me and hugged me and told me to sub more often. i was walking on air! it helps that the kids were fantastic. "studio kids" often are. they're well behaved and disciplined. but these kids were super friendly too, and hungry for dance, hungry for more, wanting to reach that next level. it was amazing to feel that. i wish this opportunity had come sooner. teaching was so fantastic...its too bad i only have a couple more months to pursue it.
that gig couldnt have come at a better time, because honestly, leaving behind my old dance company tore me apart for days and days. it feels like i broke up with a boyfriend. it put me under so much anxiety and stress that i almost did break up with my boyfriend. poor guy.
so i was forced to make a choice, and now i have to live with it. hopefully with a newfound maturity, greater perspective....and much less binge drinking.
the past two weeks have been full of insane changes for me. the most pressing being my exit from a dance troupe that i had previously been steadfastly loyal to. it was a matter of organization; it was a matter of defeat; it was a matter of alienation. i felt broken to the point of losing my love for the entire medium of dance. which says a lot.
now i am a member of Mind Over Matter, lead by allan frias. allan challenged me, constantly berated me to become better. when he saw i had given up, he said it to my face and more or less bitched me out. he cared enough to call me out on my behavior. am i comfortable with M.O.M.'s style of dance? no. but after years of feeling like a shadow, i feel accepted, finally -- which for me was always the point of dancing in the first place. allan taught me a huge lesson, for which i will always be grateful.
dancing is ALWAYS on my mind! i had the wonderful opportunity to sub for two hip hop classes in Dublin last monday. i hadn't taught class like that since...2004 i think (that ywca fiasco...god). i was nervous. but it felt GREAT!! one of the girls after the intermediate class actually came up to me and hugged me and told me to sub more often. i was walking on air! it helps that the kids were fantastic. "studio kids" often are. they're well behaved and disciplined. but these kids were super friendly too, and hungry for dance, hungry for more, wanting to reach that next level. it was amazing to feel that. i wish this opportunity had come sooner. teaching was so fantastic...its too bad i only have a couple more months to pursue it.
that gig couldnt have come at a better time, because honestly, leaving behind my old dance company tore me apart for days and days. it feels like i broke up with a boyfriend. it put me under so much anxiety and stress that i almost did break up with my boyfriend. poor guy.
so i was forced to make a choice, and now i have to live with it. hopefully with a newfound maturity, greater perspective....and much less binge drinking.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Hold the wheel and drive
um, this was a creative writing post. but i'm taking it off because it was pretty terrible. i'm not a dweeb, i'm just a sucker with no self-esteem.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
The Year
I spent December 2007 traveling more than I ever have in the past ten years combined! I've always been a homebody, but I found myself loving those weeks of exploration. Even with the added stress of performing for interviews, at every place I've gone I've been able to connect with a friend, or a friend-of-a-friend, and in one case, a friend-of-a-stranger. I saw so many amusing things (rocking chairs in the Charlotte airport! The ghost of the Lewisburg Inn! The Apollo Theater! The roaring Bellagio fountain through the windows of the Eiffel Tower Restaurant at the Paris casino! The lights blooming around the Great Lakes in the pitch black night, like orchids from space...)
Coulda done without the hassle at the airports though! Can I get an Amen. Seriously, five hour delay at Midway? I ended up eating McDonald's fries for four hours out of boredom. I probably shouldn't have admitted that.
Now it's back to work, of course. More interviews, taxes and loan apps, moving, hiring at work -- all while trying to fit as much dancing in as much as possible. The dancing...I would love to be able to dance without all the drama! But I suppose dancers are naturally all divas. It's impossible to escape. And dealing with difficult people...well, I actually appreciate it. More experience I can employ to deal with the inevitable slew of difficult patients I will encounter.
The passing of one year to another...is completely arbitrary, of course. Nothing is actually impacted by the fact we create this division of time, and then cross it. And yet...I feel I've entered a door and a wholly different person has stepped out. A person with a purpose, with ideals, and with love in her heart to forgive all. Perhaps I will crash and burn in a few months, in a few days. Perhaps this year I will once again be faced with seemingly insurmountable obstacles. But whatever challenges lay ahead for 2008, at least I can tell myself that that...
...they will never be as difficult as med school!
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