ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

saying goodbye is a lot more complicated than i'd anticipated.

the past week has been a whirlwind of arranging last dinners, last coffees, last dances, last drinking nights, and other engagements. mostly because i put it off to the very last minute. i think i was in denial of having to leave the comfort and safety of what i know and what i was just beginning to appreciate and enjoy.

but also, i have a terrible terrible memory problem. getting together with friends involves a whole lot of "oh yeeaaah" and "when did that happen?" and "what?! really?!?" and blank empty looks. and i realize that its not because i'm brain dead, but because i've an overdeveloped memory blocking mechanism. the less you remember, the less it can hurt you.

it makes you feel empty, because you don't absorb life. it slides off your feathers and back into the ether. but if i wasn't able to do this, i would probably have killed myself a long time ago.

the thing about now is that i actually want to remember these moments, these wonderful people i've had the privilege to get to know, these good-byes. for once, good things were happening to me and, for once, i loved life. i wanted these moments to live on in me, but its like a curse. its like that movie 50 First Dates with Drew Barrymore.

anyway, i had a point, but i also have a no-joke hangover, so...another time.