woke up on the wrong side of several beds

for some reason D puts her chats off the record, and i am kicking myself for not remembering to save her conversations in another manner.

today was a bad day.
i dont normally have bad days, actually. they're all mostly bland and vanilla. today was definitely burnt pubic hair.
things just kept piling up on top of each other. they were relatively little things. i could knock off almost a dozen things off the top of my head (for whatever mental lists of all the crazy little things going on are worth), but what was really the heart of the matter was how much of a beating my spirit took. bam bam bam. one right after the other. all at once. so you could say i was upset. hysterical.
D understands me in a way nobody else really does. she knows how hard i am on myself and she can sympathize with me in the just the right way. after unloading my silent fears, i started feeling better already. and then like neo eating the oracle's cookie in the matrix, suddenly i felt right as rain. (mm. oracle cookies)
i'm not crazy, nor am i just completely inept. i actually do have coping mechanisms for the mundane shit. today was about something deeper, an importunate issue that's never been removed and has slowly poisoned my view of the world, magnifying the negative, feeding the obsessions.
what it is, i fear to vocalize.
despite the fact that i completely lost it today, i know in my heart all these issues that came out today will resolve themselves, for better or for worse. and i will tell myself: they'll resolve themselves not out of luck, but because i am competent. i am not any less of an adult, worthy of their own inalienable rights, than the next person. they'll resolve because my life is meant for bigger things. maybe it all had to happen, because i needed to freak out a bit, to feel something, to give a shit. to just be human for a day.