does a dyslexic insomniac stay up at night wondering if there is a dog?

As a substitute for actual parenting, my dad recently gave me a stack of religious self-help books.

That in itself is pretty offensive, but the bigger point is that I absolutely hate any and all forms of organized religion. I grew up in a Chinese baptist church, and then a non-denominational, predominately white church. My experience between the two was basically the same. Religion is manipulative and takes advantage of people who don't know any better (which just so happens to describe the exact type of person I can't stand). A lot of bible interpretation that I hear in church or read is very much like the type of bullshit we did as English majors. You can take any chunk of text and warp it to fit your need. Though that arguably could be a good thing, i'm not going to go into that here either.

So for months those books sat by the window collecting dust. The other day I was so bored (see post: 27 times...) I decided to check one out. As expected, my initial reaction was nausea and border-line irrational anger. I was so pissed off...I couldn't stop reading. So yes, if you haven't figured out what i'm going to say next -- I dig it. A lot of what Mr. Joel Osteen, television evangelist, has to say actually really works from a secular perspective. It is basic stuff: how to get rid of negativity in your life, how to forgive, a plan with steps on how to live "Your Best Life Now." Basic psychology, character building, social adjusting, what have you. Someone as low as me needs to hear the words, and man am I drinkin them up.

I feel like now i'm kind of looking down at a line in the sand...am I christian? I believe in God, and Jesus loosely, but not in any of the other things. I also believe in alternative ideas like a single universal power that individuals have direct access to (Reiki) and that spirituality is an intensely personal thing not meant to be socialized like in a church. I probably wont decide on these things for a long time, but right now, I'm clinging to this book written by a conservative (UGH), bible-wrangling word monger...because it gets me through the goddamn day. pathetic?! [throws hands up]