new beginnings are ___.

lordy-loo.

the past two weeks have been full of insane changes for me. the most pressing being my exit from a dance troupe that i had previously been steadfastly loyal to. it was a matter of organization; it was a matter of defeat; it was a matter of alienation. i felt broken to the point of losing my love for the entire medium of dance. which says a lot.

now i am a member of Mind Over Matter, lead by allan frias. allan challenged me, constantly berated me to become better. when he saw i had given up, he said it to my face and more or less bitched me out. he cared enough to call me out on my behavior. am i comfortable with M.O.M.'s style of dance? no. but after years of feeling like a shadow, i feel accepted, finally -- which for me was always the point of dancing in the first place. allan taught me a huge lesson, for which i will always be grateful.

dancing is ALWAYS on my mind! i had the wonderful opportunity to sub for two hip hop classes in Dublin last monday. i hadn't taught class like that since...2004 i think (that ywca fiasco...god). i was nervous. but it felt GREAT!! one of the girls after the intermediate class actually came up to me and hugged me and told me to sub more often. i was walking on air! it helps that the kids were fantastic. "studio kids" often are. they're well behaved and disciplined. but these kids were super friendly too, and hungry for dance, hungry for more, wanting to reach that next level. it was amazing to feel that. i wish this opportunity had come sooner. teaching was so fantastic...its too bad i only have a couple more months to pursue it.

that gig couldnt have come at a better time, because honestly, leaving behind my old dance company tore me apart for days and days. it feels like i broke up with a boyfriend. it put me under so much anxiety and stress that i almost did break up with my boyfriend. poor guy.

so i was forced to make a choice, and now i have to live with it. hopefully with a newfound maturity, greater perspective....and much less binge drinking.