three things

today i am grateful for:
-getting to sleep in.  god it felt so good.
-beautiful friends who let me crash on their couch and ask nothing in return.
-something to look forward to tonight.

a great reminder

this is a good video to watch from time to time.  especially if you've the memory of a goldfish like i do, and need the constant reminding.

it's in our nature to want to protect ourselves.  but i am learning that there can be so much beauty living with an open heart, even in the face of so much pain, and self-hatred (shame).

in another video, she talks more explicitly about shame; how pervasive it is in our culture, and how destructive it is on an individual and personal level.
"If we want to find our way back to each other, we have to understand and know empathy.  Because empathy is the antidote to shame.  If you put shame in a petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgement.  If you put the same amount of shame in a petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can't survive.  The two most powerful words when we're in struggle: me too."

it's been a strange journey to figuring this out for myself.  i am still slipping all the time into the window-less fortress i built to keep out pain, and am constantly losing sight of that living philosophy of being whole by being part of the whole rather than quarantined.  i think what strikes me is how much that quote summarizes what my journey through medical school has been like.  finally starting to develop my sense of self-acceptance after years of wanting to disappear, of not believing i was worth anything.  the empathy i feel is reinforced every time i see a patient.  at first i thought this feeling was so meaningful to me because it allowed me to forget myself as the sniveling, homely creature that i thought i was.  but now, i think that it is more that every time i see a patient and see myself in their shoes and take care of them, i am actually caring for myself.

auld lang syne

my wallet got stolen last night.
while devastating and no small inconvenience, i find it rather poetic that this happen before the new year.
my right brain is clamoring for the symbolism and significance of it all.
this is a harsh reminder to stay the course.  things are getting too out of hand.  i was getting lost in a fog of nostalgia and old habits.  i was getting caught up in sadness, as if an ex-boyfriend had walked back into my life.  allowing myself to ruminate and obsess over an emotion.  letting it take over my being.  i was forgetting who i am now (who i worked so hard to become) and trying to be something i am not.
i am healthy, and able, and my family is intact.  i should focus on those things.  life will happen, when we're least ready for it.  i do not have much, but i should treasure what i have more than what i think i want.
i do deserve to be happy, and the universe will give that to me when it wants, via the avenue that is most appropriate.


in the meantime, i really need to look after my things better.

Things To Do After I Match

trying to tell myself....WHEN i match, not IF i match...when i match, not if i match.... sigh.

this year's bucket list:
-dinner at French Laundry
-ombre dye my hair
-massive overhaul/dump of the papers and books at my parents house
-quality calf-hair pumps
-dance dance dance (at Groove, Lines, City Dance, Mission Dance), and regain some fitness, maybe even perform at a show!!!
-sf beerfest
-sf sketchfest
-kiss someone nice
-try a martial arts class...krav magaw?!
-finish my sewing projects and tailor all the clothes i already own
-go out and watch an awesome fireworks show on my birthday
-taste pliney the elder
-attend more live music shows
-i wonder if there's time to pick up a temp job in order to afford a vacation...

used to know

i don't know if it's meds or maturity, but things feel peachy.  they're not, by any means.  but those moments of utter despair, of sinking, are fewer.  good, right...?
aging is only scary to me in that with every passing year, i grow more in debt.  other than that, i've been glad for it.  who doesn't want to be a less-angry person?  reaching goddamn enlightenment.  hoorah.
if i were to vanish tomorrow, i don't know that i'd have much regret.  ignorance is truly bliss, man.  how can i regret shit that i don't know is out there.  or, shit that i've repressed.  or forgot entirely.  it's not a bad way of living.  i've run into classmates that clearly do not understand this and think i am simply sofa king wee todded.    they're probably right.  but, whatever, you know.

it's all just one big whatever.  who knows.   no need to worry about it.




the thing, of course, being that i am hugely concerned.  afraid.  vulnerable.  and my mind's been infected, somehow, by the idea that i need someone else in my life.  because who i am is not enough?  in all likelihood yes.

how do you people fucking do it.  open up, let people in, and let them drift out without losing your sanity.  it's a fucking nightmare to think about going at this shit alone.  not emotionally, just, technically.

i can't.  no.  it's just not happening.  


there's a truth in there, somewhere, that i had a grasp on, once upon a time, in a land far away.  as in, it was true for a time and then i "grew up" and "learned" that it was false but actually there was a grain of absolute truth mixed in there somewhere, and i just threw the baby out with the bathwater.  that's what it feels like, anyway.  and fucking feelings, man.  the cherry on this total lack of sundae.


i need a drink.

closer

right now i am staying at a classmate's house, crashing on the couch.  there were times when i felt that i might be overstepping my welcome in her life by taking up her couch...seeing as how they only have one couch, it's in front of the tv, and one of the housemates likes to watch the tv.  but today changed my mind.  now i only feel gratitutde for this couch.

people go through the same thing in different ways.  or different things in the same way.  or different things, in a completely different way.  and it's okay.  because here's the key to life.  it's all okay.  all of it.  sure, there is a "typical."  but to say something is more prevalent, doesn't make it inherently right or wrong.  us weirdos are no better or worse.  just different.

i just realized that a classmate in sixth grade used to say that to me all the time.  well played.

what makes me sad is that these things exist.  either people, or programs, or parts of society that tell us we are worthless if we don't conform.  that we are failures if we don't meet their standards.  i realize i'm bordering on that hippie-dippy-love-everybody-crunchy-granola shit.  but that's the only way i can make sense of the world right now, and simultaneously find myself a place in it.  i think i'm okay with this.

i am so excited to be less than 48 hours away from never having to come to this goddamn campus ever again.  it gives me the heebie jeebies to be here.  like smelling a liquor that was part of a bad memory a long time ago.  instant gag reflex.  but, i guess i should relax about it.  if it wasn't for being here, being surrounded by these people, then isolating myself from these people, then going near the edge, so close to breaking...i wouldn't be who i am today.  and, while i'm not thrilled with the person i am today, i am content.  content and not completely jaded and filled with hate.   all things considered, that's pretty fucking good.

consumption

experiment:
no buying new clothes x 6 months.  EVEN if there is an amazing deal.  underthings are an exception.

it's a great day and age we live in, where we can finally learn of and experience the consequences of our excessive consumer lifestyles (via the interwebs): http://soundcloud.com/onpointradio/the-high-cost-of-cheap-fashion
it makes me incredibly guilt-ridden to think of how much i've been part of the problem.  i love thrifting anyway.  let's see how far i can take this.