“Depression steals the voice,” writes Liza Porter. “Silence breeds depression. Depression breeds silence.”
-NYTimes

does a dyslexic insomniac stay up at night wondering if there is a dog?

As a substitute for actual parenting, my dad recently gave me a stack of religious self-help books.

That in itself is pretty offensive, but the bigger point is that I absolutely hate any and all forms of organized religion. I grew up in a Chinese baptist church, and then a non-denominational, predominately white church. My experience between the two was basically the same. Religion is manipulative and takes advantage of people who don't know any better (which just so happens to describe the exact type of person I can't stand). A lot of bible interpretation that I hear in church or read is very much like the type of bullshit we did as English majors. You can take any chunk of text and warp it to fit your need. Though that arguably could be a good thing, i'm not going to go into that here either.

So for months those books sat by the window collecting dust. The other day I was so bored (see post: 27 times...) I decided to check one out. As expected, my initial reaction was nausea and border-line irrational anger. I was so pissed off...I couldn't stop reading. So yes, if you haven't figured out what i'm going to say next -- I dig it. A lot of what Mr. Joel Osteen, television evangelist, has to say actually really works from a secular perspective. It is basic stuff: how to get rid of negativity in your life, how to forgive, a plan with steps on how to live "Your Best Life Now." Basic psychology, character building, social adjusting, what have you. Someone as low as me needs to hear the words, and man am I drinkin them up.

I feel like now i'm kind of looking down at a line in the sand...am I christian? I believe in God, and Jesus loosely, but not in any of the other things. I also believe in alternative ideas like a single universal power that individuals have direct access to (Reiki) and that spirituality is an intensely personal thing not meant to be socialized like in a church. I probably wont decide on these things for a long time, but right now, I'm clinging to this book written by a conservative (UGH), bible-wrangling word monger...because it gets me through the goddamn day. pathetic?! [throws hands up]

woke up on the wrong side of several beds

for some reason D puts her chats off the record, and i am kicking myself for not remembering to save her conversations in another manner.

today was a bad day.
i dont normally have bad days, actually. they're all mostly bland and vanilla. today was definitely burnt pubic hair.
things just kept piling up on top of each other. they were relatively little things. i could knock off almost a dozen things off the top of my head (for whatever mental lists of all the crazy little things going on are worth), but what was really the heart of the matter was how much of a beating my spirit took. bam bam bam. one right after the other. all at once. so you could say i was upset. hysterical.
D understands me in a way nobody else really does. she knows how hard i am on myself and she can sympathize with me in the just the right way. after unloading my silent fears, i started feeling better already. and then like neo eating the oracle's cookie in the matrix, suddenly i felt right as rain. (mm. oracle cookies)
i'm not crazy, nor am i just completely inept. i actually do have coping mechanisms for the mundane shit. today was about something deeper, an importunate issue that's never been removed and has slowly poisoned my view of the world, magnifying the negative, feeding the obsessions.
what it is, i fear to vocalize.
despite the fact that i completely lost it today, i know in my heart all these issues that came out today will resolve themselves, for better or for worse. and i will tell myself: they'll resolve themselves not out of luck, but because i am competent. i am not any less of an adult, worthy of their own inalienable rights, than the next person. they'll resolve because my life is meant for bigger things. maybe it all had to happen, because i needed to freak out a bit, to feel something, to give a shit. to just be human for a day.

27 times i puked a little in my mouth

tonight i was so bored i stooped to watching the movie 27 Dresses on surfthechannel.

is the phrase gag me with a spoon "out" already? because that's exactly what i wanted to do to, force a utensil down my throat.

i was so bored i willingly saw a chick flick. shoot me now.

fallen idol

BT, one of my favorite dj/producers, has made a renaissance on my music player lately, sparked by the recent play of "satellite" on 92.7 FM's "below zero" show (FANTASTIC radio, sunday nights).
but the more i listen to him, the more contrived and douchebaggy his sound feels. did i really think this was the most awesome sound ever, at one point?
it's sad to lose a hero.

[EDIT] i just relived "dynamic symmetry" and i take this post back. 

in case you were wondering...

flan cannot be made in a rice cooker.

new beginnings are ___.

lordy-loo.

the past two weeks have been full of insane changes for me. the most pressing being my exit from a dance troupe that i had previously been steadfastly loyal to. it was a matter of organization; it was a matter of defeat; it was a matter of alienation. i felt broken to the point of losing my love for the entire medium of dance. which says a lot.

now i am a member of Mind Over Matter, lead by allan frias. allan challenged me, constantly berated me to become better. when he saw i had given up, he said it to my face and more or less bitched me out. he cared enough to call me out on my behavior. am i comfortable with M.O.M.'s style of dance? no. but after years of feeling like a shadow, i feel accepted, finally -- which for me was always the point of dancing in the first place. allan taught me a huge lesson, for which i will always be grateful.

dancing is ALWAYS on my mind! i had the wonderful opportunity to sub for two hip hop classes in Dublin last monday. i hadn't taught class like that since...2004 i think (that ywca fiasco...god). i was nervous. but it felt GREAT!! one of the girls after the intermediate class actually came up to me and hugged me and told me to sub more often. i was walking on air! it helps that the kids were fantastic. "studio kids" often are. they're well behaved and disciplined. but these kids were super friendly too, and hungry for dance, hungry for more, wanting to reach that next level. it was amazing to feel that. i wish this opportunity had come sooner. teaching was so fantastic...its too bad i only have a couple more months to pursue it.

that gig couldnt have come at a better time, because honestly, leaving behind my old dance company tore me apart for days and days. it feels like i broke up with a boyfriend. it put me under so much anxiety and stress that i almost did break up with my boyfriend. poor guy.

so i was forced to make a choice, and now i have to live with it. hopefully with a newfound maturity, greater perspective....and much less binge drinking.