woke up on the wrong side of several beds

for some reason D puts her chats off the record, and i am kicking myself for not remembering to save her conversations in another manner.

today was a bad day.
i dont normally have bad days, actually. they're all mostly bland and vanilla. today was definitely burnt pubic hair.
things just kept piling up on top of each other. they were relatively little things. i could knock off almost a dozen things off the top of my head (for whatever mental lists of all the crazy little things going on are worth), but what was really the heart of the matter was how much of a beating my spirit took. bam bam bam. one right after the other. all at once. so you could say i was upset. hysterical.
D understands me in a way nobody else really does. she knows how hard i am on myself and she can sympathize with me in the just the right way. after unloading my silent fears, i started feeling better already. and then like neo eating the oracle's cookie in the matrix, suddenly i felt right as rain. (mm. oracle cookies)
i'm not crazy, nor am i just completely inept. i actually do have coping mechanisms for the mundane shit. today was about something deeper, an importunate issue that's never been removed and has slowly poisoned my view of the world, magnifying the negative, feeding the obsessions.
what it is, i fear to vocalize.
despite the fact that i completely lost it today, i know in my heart all these issues that came out today will resolve themselves, for better or for worse. and i will tell myself: they'll resolve themselves not out of luck, but because i am competent. i am not any less of an adult, worthy of their own inalienable rights, than the next person. they'll resolve because my life is meant for bigger things. maybe it all had to happen, because i needed to freak out a bit, to feel something, to give a shit. to just be human for a day.

27 times i puked a little in my mouth

tonight i was so bored i stooped to watching the movie 27 Dresses on surfthechannel.

is the phrase gag me with a spoon "out" already? because that's exactly what i wanted to do to, force a utensil down my throat.

i was so bored i willingly saw a chick flick. shoot me now.

fallen idol

BT, one of my favorite dj/producers, has made a renaissance on my music player lately, sparked by the recent play of "satellite" on 92.7 FM's "below zero" show (FANTASTIC radio, sunday nights).
but the more i listen to him, the more contrived and douchebaggy his sound feels. did i really think this was the most awesome sound ever, at one point?
it's sad to lose a hero.

[EDIT] i just relived "dynamic symmetry" and i take this post back. 

in case you were wondering...

flan cannot be made in a rice cooker.

new beginnings are ___.

lordy-loo.

the past two weeks have been full of insane changes for me. the most pressing being my exit from a dance troupe that i had previously been steadfastly loyal to. it was a matter of organization; it was a matter of defeat; it was a matter of alienation. i felt broken to the point of losing my love for the entire medium of dance. which says a lot.

now i am a member of Mind Over Matter, lead by allan frias. allan challenged me, constantly berated me to become better. when he saw i had given up, he said it to my face and more or less bitched me out. he cared enough to call me out on my behavior. am i comfortable with M.O.M.'s style of dance? no. but after years of feeling like a shadow, i feel accepted, finally -- which for me was always the point of dancing in the first place. allan taught me a huge lesson, for which i will always be grateful.

dancing is ALWAYS on my mind! i had the wonderful opportunity to sub for two hip hop classes in Dublin last monday. i hadn't taught class like that since...2004 i think (that ywca fiasco...god). i was nervous. but it felt GREAT!! one of the girls after the intermediate class actually came up to me and hugged me and told me to sub more often. i was walking on air! it helps that the kids were fantastic. "studio kids" often are. they're well behaved and disciplined. but these kids were super friendly too, and hungry for dance, hungry for more, wanting to reach that next level. it was amazing to feel that. i wish this opportunity had come sooner. teaching was so fantastic...its too bad i only have a couple more months to pursue it.

that gig couldnt have come at a better time, because honestly, leaving behind my old dance company tore me apart for days and days. it feels like i broke up with a boyfriend. it put me under so much anxiety and stress that i almost did break up with my boyfriend. poor guy.

so i was forced to make a choice, and now i have to live with it. hopefully with a newfound maturity, greater perspective....and much less binge drinking.

Hold the wheel and drive

um, this was a creative writing post. but i'm taking it off because it was pretty terrible. i'm not a dweeb, i'm just a sucker with no self-esteem.

The Year

I spent December 2007 traveling more than I ever have in the past ten years combined! I've always been a homebody, but I found myself loving those weeks of exploration. Even with the added stress of performing for interviews, at every place I've gone I've been able to connect with a friend, or a friend-of-a-friend, and in one case, a friend-of-a-stranger. I saw so many amusing things (rocking chairs in the Charlotte airport! The ghost of the Lewisburg Inn! The Apollo Theater! The roaring Bellagio fountain through the windows of the Eiffel Tower Restaurant at the Paris casino! The lights blooming around the Great Lakes in the pitch black night, like orchids from space...)
Coulda done without the hassle at the airports though! Can I get an Amen. Seriously, five hour delay at Midway? I ended up eating McDonald's fries for four hours out of boredom. I probably shouldn't have admitted that.

Now it's back to work, of course. More interviews, taxes and loan apps, moving, hiring at work -- all while trying to fit as much dancing in as much as possible. The dancing...I would love to be able to dance without all the drama! But I suppose dancers are naturally all divas. It's impossible to escape. And dealing with difficult people...well, I actually appreciate it. More experience I can employ to deal with the inevitable slew of difficult patients I will encounter.

The passing of one year to another...is completely arbitrary, of course. Nothing is actually impacted by the fact we create this division of time, and then cross it. And yet...I feel I've entered a door and a wholly different person has stepped out. A person with a purpose, with ideals, and with love in her heart to forgive all. Perhaps I will crash and burn in a few months, in a few days. Perhaps this year I will once again be faced with seemingly insurmountable obstacles. But whatever challenges lay ahead for 2008, at least I can tell myself that that...

...they will never be as difficult as med school!