in the last few weeks, i have thought nightly, in between burying my conscious brain in the sewage of youtube and social media, about my own mortality.
who could have predicted this reckoning? a plague, people are calling it.
i recently started talking to a complete stranger via video and phone. i disclosed to him, how unafraid i feel towards death. that i would rather die doing something meaningful than nothing at all. he was taken aback. he is only a couple years younger than me. "i don't want to die." neither do i (today) (dumbass), but if i were faced with it - well, i should like to think that i have been exposed to it enough to tamp down the insane fear of it. that is: if i were dying for a cause...i would go quite gently into that good night. i have an idea of what that journey entails.
until then, yes, i am terrified. terrified i will do a bad job. that i will harm, instead of help.
a new resolution. to blog something daily. to leave some trace of myself during this time. even if my physical body remains, i suspect this type of fire will leave me and everyone around me changed forever.
i think i would like to continue documenting the bad cases. as well as the good. the outpatient world has been rather mundane, with several notable exceptions. reading my old posts from the inpatient days (what a gift to myself, to have documented some - like a goldfish, i would never have been able to recall any of it), it really does seem like i made the right choice. wasn't cut out for it. and yet, here i am. on the precipice of being called back in to war. and suddenly i wish quite deeply for the mundane again.
some beautiful moments: on march 30, national doctor's day, someone bought ten pizzas for the entire clinic.
every other patient i talk or email to expresses their thanks, gratitude, and empathy for those of us in healthcare. i remind myself, i get the privilege of taking care of some of the most wonderful people in the world. (i also get the dubious honor of taking care of some of the worst people in the world, but never mind this for now)
tomorrow, training begins.
Wednesday, April 1, 2020
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