Tuesday, April 24, 2018

post-dc

i am appreciating clinic for its low key nature. it has bothered me at times, the feeling that i need to prove myself to a specialist, just to seem competent.  that never feels fun.  i know that overall i am vaguely competent.  but not excellent. that does bother me.
the rest of my life is such as mess that it feels overwhelming to strive for that excellence.  and what does that mean, anyway?  that i have to be on call essentially, available 24/7 for my patients, most of whom are about as privileged and well as i am?
i wish it was more clear from day to day if i am doing the right thing by these people.  of course real life is never as clear cut as a board exam.
day to day i also ruminate on my secondary boarding -- where do i want to go from here?  there isn't anything that i am doing that necessarily is above and beyond something a fourth year osteopathic student would do.  long gone are the days of shared meditations with my patients, working in the fluid, the ether, the embryonic zones.  a part of me scoffs, easily, at those times -- the idealism of an ignoramus.  the feeling is like a past lover.  you wonder how you could have been so silly.
but also, here i am willing to shell out hundreds of dollars for that treatment for myself.  i'm not sure what this represents for me and my journey in health and as a healer but i hope that someday it will lead to something good for the world.

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