consumerism fail

my self-imposed shopping ban lasted two months and 14 days.

the goal was to not buy anything new, and instead make or thrift any item that i wanted. i was doing pretty well; i made three skirts (gave away two, but it quenched my initial craving for skirts fo sho) and when i was in the mood for pattern, found the loudest, most satisfying plaid at goodwill for a few dollars. unfortunately, thrifting shoes might as well be a full time job. i was craving a shoe that wasn't so flat that i might as well be walking barefoot. after considering going to the cobbler to add heels to flats that i already own, i broke down in front of my computer yesterday and helped myself to some sale shoes. from urban outfitters, natch, the one retailer i previously refused to patronize because a friend who used to work for the HRC sent me proof once that Urban and Anthropologie both donate to anti-choice campaigns. ugghhhh i am fail.

...but impressed that i refrained from purchasing clothing for 2.5 months. that's a huge deal for me.

story of my life

They say an end can be a start
Feel like I've been buried yet I'm still alive
It's like a bad day that never ends
I feel the chaos around me
A thing I don't try to deny
I'd better learn to accept that
There are things in my life that I can't control

They say love ain't nothing but a sore
I don't even know what love is
Too many tears have had to fall
Don't you know I'm so tired of it all
I have known terror dizzy spells
Finding out the secrets words won't tell
Whatever it is it can't be named
There's a part of my world that's in the way

You know I don't want to be clever
To be brilliant or superior
True like ice, true like fire
Now I know that a breeze can blow me away
Now I know there's much more dignity
In defeat than in the brightest victory
I'm losing my balance on the tight rope
Tell me please, tell me please, tell me please...

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

Hang on to the good days
I can lean on my friends
They help me going through hard times
But I'm feeding the enemy
I'm in league with the foe
Blame me for what's happening
I can try, I can try, I can try...

No one knows the hard times I went through
If happiness came I miss the call
The stormy days ain't over
I've tried and lost know I think that I pay the cost
Now I've watched all my castles fall
They were made of dust, after all
Someday all this mess will make me laugh
I can wait, I can wait, I can wait...


If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know


It's like somebody took my place
I ain't even playing my own game
The rules have changed well I didn't know
There are things in my life I can't control
I feel the chaos around me
A thing I don't try to deny
I'd better learn to accept that
There's a part of my life that will go away

Dark is the night, cold is the ground
In the circular solitude of my heart
As one who strives a hill to climb
I am sure I'll come through I don't know how
They say an end can be a start
Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive

I'm losing my balance on the tight rope
Tell me please, tell me please, tell me please...

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

new paths

"Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen." -conan o'brien

i never wanted anything so badly in my life -- to be an OMM teaching fellow. this is my passion and i just thought, if only i could say i am one of them -- i can say that i've made something of my life. i will have more opportunities to dedicate myself to OMM.
i wasn't strong enough, or smart enough.
but, amazing things happened. a few fellows actually contacted me and expressed how disappointed they were that i was no longer applying. like they actually wanted me to be a fellow! like they thought i could actually be one of them!
it feels amazing. it is an amazing thing to have happened. i can repeat the whole fucking year if they ask me to, and it will be okay. because i know that people have recognized my passion, people i admire and idolize.
so i'm not taking a conventional path. so my career in academia was never meant to be. so what. i will work hard. i will be kind. i will give the universe what little i have to give. it doesn't matter whether it's "enough" or not; what matters is that it is given.

catching the buffalo bug

this week has been the greatest week of my life. it was our 40 hr cranial course, and Western is the only osteopathic school in the nation to offer a full 40 hr course to medical students. i was in heaven. i never knew learning, anatomy, cranial nerves, autonomic systems, could be so incredibly exciting.

i really signed on to blog though, because i actually sold something i made. well, re-made. the flannel from my mom that i had altered...actually sold. i took pounds and pounds of clothing to buffalo exchange and it was one of the few items that i had managed to sell. i'm happy that my sewing is decent enough to pass as re-saleable clothing!

craving decent tailoring

when i went post-xmas shopping with my mom (the single time i stepped out of my parents house during break. i know, sosad), we wandered around the mall (big mistake; banana republic line = 1.5 hrs omgwtfbbq) and eventually into a club monaco. GOD what a fantastic store. if i won the lottery tomorrow that is definitely all i would wear.

i am excited!! my classmate found an old sewing machine in his family's garage. because nobody in his family sews, he is lending it to me!!

i think i am gonna get serious about the "no new clothes for the entire year of 2010" thing. my spending habits are so wasteful. my trunk is perpetually full of stuff that i need to bring to Buffalo Exchange (damn you Inland Empire for not having one!!!!!) and i only wear like 15% of what I own. PLUS I have a HUGE stock of fabric and bric-a-brac just laying around, doing nothing. well fuck that! i am gonna make my own shit!! here's my middle finger in your face, american consumerism!

two big projects as a treat for myself this weekend:

1. skirt

2. trying to retailor this plaid button up i got for $5 at wetseal. it fits really weird around the chest and shoulders (you get what you pay for!). this is supposedly the most difficult part to fit, so even if it doesn't work out, i'll have learned a lot about construction in the end.

YAAAAY <3

a little depressed, trying to look forward

there are a million different things i want to try to articulate about the state of my family and how it affects who we are as people and living beings, and how we all got into this godforsaken situation; so much so that when confronted with the opportunity, i am a loss at where to start.

for now, i guess, the best thing to do...is to ignore it all. a temporary solution to the hairiest of knots. there is simply no time right now.

for the new year, i would like to:

-find a place to train once or twice a week in either hip hop or jazz

-perform once

-not buy any new clothes

-watch more Community on NBC...omg so hilarious.

-tell people how amazing they are more often

-watch my health

-wean myself off of everything that is making my mind fuzzy

-let myself be vulnerable

-own a cat...or a guy

-read more poetry

-pass the boards.