if the Hadron Collider creates a black hole and the universe as we know it ends today,
what would you do with your last few hours?
i would eat a butt-load of ice cream and dim sum and fatty foods.
i would call anyone special who was not in my life anymore and tell them i miss them and that i'm sorry.
i would would lay face-down in the grass to hug the earth and listen to the insects and worms and plants one last time.
hm.
i could do all these things...today.
....mm. donuts.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Thursday, September 4, 2008
famous last words
week 4.
our first major test as a class has come and gone. it feels like it has already been 6 months. it feels like my entire life is anatomy. i don't hate anatomy, but it's freakin dry and boring.
it seems like the extracurriculars are getting under way. we're constantly having our classroom occupied by informational sessions (well it comes with free lunch often so i'm not complaining). but there's hardly any room in the brain to think about them, much less plan on doing them.
i am pretty adamant in my decision to not devote my entire goddamn life to getting that 100% in anatomy. even though it's crucial to what i want to do later on as a physician, i feel as though i have such a tenuous hold on myself as a person that i refuse to alter some of my older habits in order to accommodate my studies, including making sure i read every article (title at the very least) of the front page of the news, finding stuff online that makes me laugh, and dancing. so no, i'm not studying as hard as my peers right now. but these are things that i really need to do.
i mean, i'm passing so far. it should be do-able. right?
(...the shadows under my eyes are twice as big as they were 4 weeks ago.)
our first major test as a class has come and gone. it feels like it has already been 6 months. it feels like my entire life is anatomy. i don't hate anatomy, but it's freakin dry and boring.
it seems like the extracurriculars are getting under way. we're constantly having our classroom occupied by informational sessions (well it comes with free lunch often so i'm not complaining). but there's hardly any room in the brain to think about them, much less plan on doing them.
i am pretty adamant in my decision to not devote my entire goddamn life to getting that 100% in anatomy. even though it's crucial to what i want to do later on as a physician, i feel as though i have such a tenuous hold on myself as a person that i refuse to alter some of my older habits in order to accommodate my studies, including making sure i read every article (title at the very least) of the front page of the news, finding stuff online that makes me laugh, and dancing. so no, i'm not studying as hard as my peers right now. but these are things that i really need to do.
i mean, i'm passing so far. it should be do-able. right?
(...the shadows under my eyes are twice as big as they were 4 weeks ago.)
Thursday, August 14, 2008
open heart surgery
this past week, one of my roommates and i agreed: it didn't really feel like medical school. the gravitas somehow got lost in the beginning.
it is coming upon the end of my first week of class and i think i am finally, maybe, 80% there. it is just hard to believe that someone like me could be inducted into such a sacred profession, and as i sat through Essentials of Clinical Medicine, i was overcome by memories of times i went above and beyond for a patient in clinic. of times i sold a patient short. of guilt and remorse for everything leading up to the person i am now, of pride and hope for the person i might become, of fear that i will end up failing out of school, or perhaps, failing later on. worry for those times i didn't cover my ass just out of plain laziness, and inspiration, that it may never happen again. fear of future lawsuits and M&Ms, hope for lives saved and jobs accomplished as best as humanly possible. powerpoint slide by slide flashed before the class, giving us a glimpse of the physician we would hopefully be trained to be, and it sunk in deeper and deeper -- my life from now on will never be the same.
to get to medical school, you need a concrete sense of who you are, your values and boundaries, your own lines drawn in the sand. they don't tell you that once you get there, you are still apt to change - nay, provided you aren't a completely insane hack, you WILL change.
you must.
it is coming upon the end of my first week of class and i think i am finally, maybe, 80% there. it is just hard to believe that someone like me could be inducted into such a sacred profession, and as i sat through Essentials of Clinical Medicine, i was overcome by memories of times i went above and beyond for a patient in clinic. of times i sold a patient short. of guilt and remorse for everything leading up to the person i am now, of pride and hope for the person i might become, of fear that i will end up failing out of school, or perhaps, failing later on. worry for those times i didn't cover my ass just out of plain laziness, and inspiration, that it may never happen again. fear of future lawsuits and M&Ms, hope for lives saved and jobs accomplished as best as humanly possible. powerpoint slide by slide flashed before the class, giving us a glimpse of the physician we would hopefully be trained to be, and it sunk in deeper and deeper -- my life from now on will never be the same.
to get to medical school, you need a concrete sense of who you are, your values and boundaries, your own lines drawn in the sand. they don't tell you that once you get there, you are still apt to change - nay, provided you aren't a completely insane hack, you WILL change.
you must.
Monday, August 11, 2008
a tad anticlimactic
even though i have an inhuman (haha) amount of anatomy to read up on,
there is no way i can't blog about my first day of med school!
hm.
......
yep. i fell asleep.
(i am sooooo stoked for tomorrow though. we get to start OP&P!!!)
there is no way i can't blog about my first day of med school!
hm.
......
yep. i fell asleep.
(i am sooooo stoked for tomorrow though. we get to start OP&P!!!)
Thursday, July 31, 2008
ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
saying goodbye is a lot more complicated than i'd anticipated.
the past week has been a whirlwind of arranging last dinners, last coffees, last dances, last drinking nights, and other engagements. mostly because i put it off to the very last minute. i think i was in denial of having to leave the comfort and safety of what i know and what i was just beginning to appreciate and enjoy.
but also, i have a terrible terrible memory problem. getting together with friends involves a whole lot of "oh yeeaaah" and "when did that happen?" and "what?! really?!?" and blank empty looks. and i realize that its not because i'm brain dead, but because i've an overdeveloped memory blocking mechanism. the less you remember, the less it can hurt you.
it makes you feel empty, because you don't absorb life. it slides off your feathers and back into the ether. but if i wasn't able to do this, i would probably have killed myself a long time ago.
the thing about now is that i actually want to remember these moments, these wonderful people i've had the privilege to get to know, these good-byes. for once, good things were happening to me and, for once, i loved life. i wanted these moments to live on in me, but its like a curse. its like that movie 50 First Dates with Drew Barrymore.
anyway, i had a point, but i also have a no-joke hangover, so...another time.
the past week has been a whirlwind of arranging last dinners, last coffees, last dances, last drinking nights, and other engagements. mostly because i put it off to the very last minute. i think i was in denial of having to leave the comfort and safety of what i know and what i was just beginning to appreciate and enjoy.
but also, i have a terrible terrible memory problem. getting together with friends involves a whole lot of "oh yeeaaah" and "when did that happen?" and "what?! really?!?" and blank empty looks. and i realize that its not because i'm brain dead, but because i've an overdeveloped memory blocking mechanism. the less you remember, the less it can hurt you.
it makes you feel empty, because you don't absorb life. it slides off your feathers and back into the ether. but if i wasn't able to do this, i would probably have killed myself a long time ago.
the thing about now is that i actually want to remember these moments, these wonderful people i've had the privilege to get to know, these good-byes. for once, good things were happening to me and, for once, i loved life. i wanted these moments to live on in me, but its like a curse. its like that movie 50 First Dates with Drew Barrymore.
anyway, i had a point, but i also have a no-joke hangover, so...another time.
Monday, July 14, 2008
looking for housing. preferably, a home.
there's this weird state of disconnect from everyone, everything. i hate the thought of living in a souless, mindless place, and unfortunately that is the impression that i get of the inland empire. but there's no thing nor body keeping me here in the bay. i wander around like a sheet with no feet.
the bay area. the land is me, and i am it, the summer fog that rolls through the gates, the evening sun that flows through the trees. what spills through my veins are cracked pavements and tibetian prayer bells, outraged flyers posted up on telephone poles. i am bleeding hearts and organic gerbera daisies. my life is the rattling bass and the piercing siren.
san gabriel valley is suffocatingly hot, and paved solid with shimmering malls, and outlet malls, and auto malls, and specialty malls, and asian malls. we drove along a highway (57?) where the road overlooked a dam into the basin of a reservoir, and it was lush and green and full of tall brush, a stark contrast to the dry brown hills surrounding. it was almost magical enough to make you forget that the presence of growing things meant there was no more water left inside.
when i told them about my accident, he said, "one day, you'll back on this and laugh." i was so shocked i could only laugh, but i knew what he said was true. one day i know i will look back on this time of my life and only remember the good things. i will have left behind the bruises and sadness, the dark nights, the people who turned their backs or stabbed my own and the people who didn't stick around. hopefully i will remember the innocent promises, the laughs that were shared, and the communities that created me.
i don't want it to be so, but here it is. it is time to forget, and time to move on, and time to rediscover what it means to be.
the bay area. the land is me, and i am it, the summer fog that rolls through the gates, the evening sun that flows through the trees. what spills through my veins are cracked pavements and tibetian prayer bells, outraged flyers posted up on telephone poles. i am bleeding hearts and organic gerbera daisies. my life is the rattling bass and the piercing siren.
san gabriel valley is suffocatingly hot, and paved solid with shimmering malls, and outlet malls, and auto malls, and specialty malls, and asian malls. we drove along a highway (57?) where the road overlooked a dam into the basin of a reservoir, and it was lush and green and full of tall brush, a stark contrast to the dry brown hills surrounding. it was almost magical enough to make you forget that the presence of growing things meant there was no more water left inside.
when i told them about my accident, he said, "one day, you'll back on this and laugh." i was so shocked i could only laugh, but i knew what he said was true. one day i know i will look back on this time of my life and only remember the good things. i will have left behind the bruises and sadness, the dark nights, the people who turned their backs or stabbed my own and the people who didn't stick around. hopefully i will remember the innocent promises, the laughs that were shared, and the communities that created me.
i don't want it to be so, but here it is. it is time to forget, and time to move on, and time to rediscover what it means to be.
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