getting back

as my training period in central california comes to a close, i've realized that a lot of my unhappiness and unrest comes from being so tunnel-visioned.  the "light at the end of the tunnel" certainly puts most of these struggles ("struggles") into perspective.

i want to think that i will come away from residency a little bit more kind.  even though i've had jobs and some (albeit very unique) life experience prior to choosing this profession, i realize that some of the baggage of my past that i'd refused to address turned again and again into small fires that smoldered behind me, dissolving bridges into smoke.  but as i learn to forgive and to nurture, i experience that universal, cliche-sounding truth: that you cannot love others until you love yourself.
my heart is so full at the moment.  i have never felt more content.  even reacting to things like not getting along with people at work, or doing something for my patient that was not evidence based, or feeling like i am just never enough -- these seem to fade more and more.  the storms that one creates in their minds, completely driven by nothing other than self-criticism and self-loathing.  to be able to step back, let all that go, immerse oneself in love and creativity.  like the entire world is open to me (even though i know it is but a fraction of a fraction).  how privileged i feel....!
i am grateful to live in a time, in a geographic location, where people can feel safe to explore their personalities and preferences, where they can feel empowered to speak up for the benefit of their families and communities. 
i am grateful i have the resources, physical and not, to drift seamlessly between cultures, cliques, environments.  daily i meet patients who were not and will never be living with that type of privilege.  i feel deep humility.  who am i to deserve these wonderful things?  (and i can't even get some diagnoses straight...)

i heard one of my pregnant patients, at 9 months, was in an MVA and had a pole go through her chest.  both her and her baby boy are alive.  incredible.  i live in an age where an event like that is not a death sentence.  that is mind-blowing.

i had my heart broken in the worst way (the worst way in my own limited personal experience, haha).  but from there i had the courage to continue my training and to pursue a second boarding.  everything about this career has been humbling, but in the best way.  it's given me meaning.  it's helped me realize that though others strive for fame, fortune, reputation...that's just not me.  and that's okay.  people need the background players as much as they need the visionaries and the leaders.  and there is nothing shameful about being the harmony to someone else's melody.

i think the difference about what's going on lately is getting to connect.  Connecting with people with whom i have no doubts, no worries about judgement, no shared past negative events.  sparks of joy  in the most mundane.  getting to dance again.  exploring medical knowledge and ideas with little fear of repercussion.  it is never the same as the friend-cocoon i grew up with....though in a way, it is far more freeing.  i used to be so resentful about not having that safe friend-family.  it took me a while to realize that permanence is not a prerequisite for family.

i don't want to analyze too much, just enough so that when the next rough patch comes, i can read this and remember: yes, yes life is good.  and if i am kind, i will be enough.