la cerveza mas fina

i haven't been reflecting enough.  The last two years have been so full of incredible experiences and lessons.  i am afraid i haven't been learning from anything.

i am always afraid of being mean.  i think certain aspects of my job bring it out.  especially on my colleagues.  i just have so little resilience when it comes to stress.  i see it in my personal relationships too.

the last couple years i fell very deeply in love.  or, how i imagine love is, anyway. these days, i feel the loss almost more painfully than when the breakup happened; perhaps more painful because of its slow and insidious onset.  but that's actually not what's been bothering me lately.  the thing that's bothering me is that my thoughts are intruded more by memories of another person, a person that made me feel like shit when i was with him.  why am i perseverating on this douche canoe, whom i'd barely spent any time with and supposedly gotten over a million years ago, rather than this gentleman with whom i'd been in love?  that's the thing that's been really making me feel like shit.  i wonder if i'd been wrong about what love is all along.  maybe i don't know what it really feels like, so my relationship with him was me telling lies to myself.

or maybe, and more probably, the intrusive thought has nothing to do with the actual person, but the emotional milieu from whence it came.  of course my mind would trail back to douche canoe, because that was the last time i'd felt so low, and so empty.

i'm completely obsessed with this show called rick and morty.  there was one episode where rick's relationship with an alien hivemind was shown to be self-destructive and enabling.  in the end rick is dealing with the breakup in the only way he knows how; alone in the garage, destroying things and trying to destroy himself.  i know in a way it's just so cliche, so nauseatingly self-indulgent....but fuck all if i didn't identify with that episode.  hit me right in the sternum.

ugh. going to go drink.